While many of us strive to be helpful, few of us want to be a people pleaser. In this mode, we’re not living our values and it feels terrible. But if nobody wants to be a people-pleaser, why do so many of us have people-pleasing tendencies? In this article, I want to talk about what people pleasing is, why it happens to almost everybody and how to manage it at home and in the workplace.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is when we do things for others to the detriment of our own well-being, especially our emotional/mental well-being. It’s different than charity, kindness and altruism, though these efforts often mean sacrificing our time, money and energy. Even if being kind to someone else ends up being wildly inconvenient, we don’t mind because we want to help. With people pleasing, we don’t really want to do what we’re doing, but we take on a peacekeeping role and do them anyway. This creates an internal conflict, but we often continue with this behaviour due to strong feelings, such as guilt or fear.
People pleasing feel awful because of this internal conflict. And it happens to most of us throughout our lives—especially women. Women tend to take on caregiving roles, which can easily become confused with people-pleasing if we don’t make self-care a priority.
Storytime: When aging mothers turn mean
I’ve heard the same story countless times, from clients, friends and strangers. It goes something like this: “My mom and I have had our ups and downs, but she’s a strong, wonderful woman even though she drives me crazy sometimes. But now, she’s showing signs of dementia and she’s become mean and unpredictable. One minute, she’s sweet as pie and the next, she’s telling me what a terrible daughter I am for selling her house/hiring a homecare nurse/putting her in an assisted living home/taking her to the doctor who took away her licence, etc.”
For many people in this situation, they are alone. It’s often the oldest child taking care of a parent who is far away and does not want assistance. Some caregivers have unhelpful siblings who only jump in to criticize. Some shoulder elder care alone and choose to find the bright side. One woman told me, “When my mom went to the hospital and then the nursing home, my brother didn’t help me at all. But I’m so grateful that he didn’t object or get in my way.”
This sort of family situation can turn the toughest professionals into guilt-ridden, walking-on-eggshells emotional wrecks. Nobody in my professional life would call me a people pleaser, but when I walk into my mother’s house, it’s a different story. In my coaching practice, I challenge the most arrogant CEOs on their thoughts, beliefs, or actions. After a day at my mother’s house, I must retreat to kayaking on the freezing river to recuperate from the fatigue of letting my inner people pleaser come to the surface.
Why can we be people pleasers in some domains, but not others?
When we feel judged (even when this judgment is simply a story, we tell ourselves), it makes us more likely to shift into people-pleasing mode. The same thing happens when we feel guilty. If you’re tough as nails in one domain, but a people pleaser in another, this isn’t strange: it’s completely normal. For some of us, this is more likely to happen in our home lives and for others, in the professional zone.
People-pleasing in the workplace.
Many of us have people-pleasing tendencies that stay below the surface during good times. But when stress goes up, it’s more likely for this maladaptive coping behaviour to emerge.
In the post-COVID era, where many people have transitioned from remote work back to full-time office work, stress and burnout seem to be on the rise. I see this in my clients who are exhausted, have no time for family and are edging closer to burnout.
This stressful environment can bring out the people pleaser in any of us. It might start with agreeing with people instead of making waves and having those difficult conversations. Or working late too often because you’re reticent about setting and maintaining boundaries. Or even micro-managing your employees (perfectionism and people-pleasing often overlap).
This can lead to bad outcomes at work. For example, what happens when the tech team tells the CEO what s/he wants to hear: The new product is ready to launch! How much damage will there be after clients are inconvenienced by a product launched without sufficient user testing?
And what happens when people simply get fed up with their current role and start to look elsewhere? They expect the problem to go away with a change of environment, but does it? Sometimes, yes. Most times, no.
Instead of expecting others to change, let’s look at how to shift ourselves away from people pleasing into a more nurturing response to stressful environments, situations and people. (And to learn more about the folly of expecting others to change, read my article, The downside of expectations.)
Four ways to move through people-pleasing
Acknowledge your feelings
A major part of moving beyond people-pleasing mode is acknowledging and validating your feelings. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you feel. When you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders or feel guilty about not doing or being enough, those feelings are real. Don’t resist them and start feeling guilty about feeling guilty. Acknowledge your feelings and reactions and move on.
Find a pressure relief valve
Don’t let the stress of people pleasing build up until you blow up, get sick or turn to one or more unhealthy coping mechanisms. When you’re in situations that bring out the people pleaser in you, find ways to de-stress and take care of yourself. Start by thinking about what energizes YOU.
This could be journalling, getting out in nature, meditating, exercising or being intentional about breathing. (A great breathing exercise to relax and reset your parasympathetic system is simply breathing in for four counts and for seven counts out for as many repetitions as it takes to feel relaxed.)
Revisit your choices through self-inquiry
When we’re in people-pleasing mode, it’s easy to feel helpless and think things are beyond our control. This leads to catabolic energy, which is negative and destructive and keeps us out of anabolic energy which is positive and constructive. (To learn more about catabolic and anabolic energy, read my article, Three signs the Energy Leadership Index assessment is right for you.)
Shift back into anabolic energy by asking yourself some questions such as:
- What choices do I have right now?
- How do the choices I’m making harm me or others right now?
- What choices could I make to help me or others right now?
- What can I change?
- What can’t I change?
- What assumptions am I making right now and how true are they?
When we remind ourselves that the choices we’re making are our own, it’s far more empowering and uplifting than being stuck in people-pleasing mode. Even when we have to make difficult decisions and do hard things, whether that’s telling our boss bad news or installing safety rails in our parents' bathtub while they protest.
Lean on your support network
While there’s a lot you can do to keep people-pleasing tendencies at bay, you don’t have to do it all on your own! Look at your support network and ask for help. You’ll quickly realize two things: your support network is larger than you think, and many people would be thrilled to help you if only they knew how.
And remember that your support network includes personal and professional relationships. Sometimes we need help from friends, family and/or colleagues. Other times, the help we need comes from a coach, counsellor, healthcare practitioner, pastor or other helping professional. Asking for help can be difficult, I know. But it’s something we all must do.
If you’re tired of being anxious and feel like you’re walking on eggshells at work or at home, and are curious about why this is happening, don’t hesitate to reach out to me for a meet-and-greet discovery call.
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Hi, I’m Vicki Bradley, an executive coach in Toronto and the Founder and CEO of Women in Leadership Empowered.
I work with women pursuing success in executive leadership roles and the presidents and CEOs who understand that strong businesses are built with strong, diverse leadership.
WIL Empowered is a group coaching program where we focus on all four aspects of leadership development through coaching, networking, peer-to-peer mentoring and developing soft skills. Our mission is to help women develop the skills, motivation and accountability required to succeed in their business and personal lives.
Take our five-minute leadership quiz to discover where your leadership skills are now and where you’d like them to be this time next year.
To learn more about WIL Empowered, visit our website at WILempowered.com or reach out to Vicki@wilempowered.com for a discovery call.
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