How often do you feel disappointed when your Expectations are not met?
Expectations are often internalized and not communicated clearly or at all. When we have expectations that don’t come to fruition, we often get frustrated, sad and/or disappointed. I see this a lot in my coaching practice especially from high-performing individuals who bring high expectations to both their professional and personal relationships—and sometimes not with good results.
Let’s talk about where expectations come from, how to communicate expectations and how to make peace with those unmet expectations.
Where do expectations come from? A story about mothers, bosses, and ourselves
I know a woman who calls her mom every other day. In many of these calls, the mom tells her daughter that her son only calls once a month—or less! The mom is regularly frustrated and saddened by the lack of connection and often feels he doesn’t love her. This communication cadence has remained consistent for years, but for some reason, the mom expects her son’s telephone habits to change and that he will care more. Why? Because she has expectations that she can’t or won’t let go of in hopes of a different outcome. This cycle continues until she adjust her expectations and the reality is the son probably doesn’t even realize that he is impacting his mother this way.
This scenario follows many of us from our personal lives into the working world. For example, say you’ve worked really hard, and a position opens that you’d be great at. You want to go for it, but nobody puts your name forward for the role. Then you get mad and resentful when talking to your boss about it. And your then your boss gets frustrated because they don’t understand what is eating at you. From your point of view, your boss isn’t helping you take the next step on your career path. You don’t feel valued at work, you think you’re being overlooked, and you wonder if it’s the right place for you. But from another person’s point of view, you’re mad about something your manager didn’t even know about! You have not shared that you have interest in accelerating your career and so you get overlooked for someone else of the team.
When expectations lead to disappointment, inquire within. Ask this question first:
Am I communicating my expectations and desires effectively?
For many of us, the answer is, “No.” And that happens for a multitude of reasons, fear, lack of confidence, afraid to hear something other than what you are expecting.
But it’s up to each of us to communicate our priorities, values, desires, and needs to the right people and at the right time. While this looks differently at home and at work, the same principles apply.
Continue this self-inquiry with these questions:
- What are my expectations?
- Who needs to know about each of these expectations?
- Have I communicated these expectations clearly?
- How can I make sure my expectations are clear?
How to communicate your expectations more effectively
1) Stop assuming other people know what you want
In the TV world, we know mind-readers are exceptional; they’re fairies or telepaths or the results of sinister experiments. But in real life, we act like mind-reading is a common occurrence. It is not. The first step to effective communication is not expecting other people to read our minds.
2) Share your needs, wants and goals
Tell people what you want! For example, what would happen if you talked to your boss about your career aspirations? You would get a better idea about how your boss could help you. Or you’d know that your boss didn’t want to help you so you could make better decisions with real information.
In my coaching practice, I often speak to professionals who believe that by changing companies they will feel more valued than where they are. In these situations, we explore this thought process until we discover what’s really going on. If the problem isn’t the terrible boss, but is a lack of solid communication skills, how will moving to a new organization fix the situation? As they say in meditation circles, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
3) Double check your communication skills
Sometimes we think we’ve shared an expectation, but the other person comes away with a totally different idea than ours. That’s okay, but it’s up to us to check our results against our intentions. [And for leaders who want to improve in this area, I recommend reading my article, How leaders can set expectations without disappointment or guilt.]
It can be helpful to ask yourself questions like:
- Have I truly communicated this?
- Have I let the other person know how their actions impact me?
- If things continue the way they are, what choices do I have?
- What compromises are available?
4) Don’t let your inner gremlin get to you
Finally, when it comes to communicating your expectations, don’t let your inner gremlin sabotage you. The gremlin is the voice in your head that keeps you playing small. With expectations, this could be about you not being “enough” to hold people accountable or communicate your own needs. Your gremlin wants to keep you safe, but letting this gremlin be chief advisor leads to stepping back from challenges, maintaining the status quo, and becoming ruled by fear.
5) How to avoid being disappointed by unmet expectations
Unfortunately, it’s possible to be an excellent communicator and still suffer from the disappointment, resentment and anger that often come with unmet expectations.
In his book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, Haruki Murakami says, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Say you’re running and you think, ‘Man, this hurts, I can’t take it anymore.’ The ‘hurt’ part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand anymore is up to the runner himself.”
And so, it is with expectations. It’s normal to have feelings, but then what? If you find yourself routinely upset by unmet expectations, you have a powerful choice to make.
First, you could stay the course and continue to be disappointed by unmet expectations. But do you really want to keep suffering like that?
Instead …
Practice letting your expectations go
I have a friend who’s great about keeping in touch. She’ll message me saying, “Vicki, let’s get together on such-and-such day.” I agree and block it in my calendar. Except this friend is prone to cancelling at the last minute because she forgets about our appointments.
This used to bother me a lot, I took it very personal and believed she did not honour our friendship. But now, I’ve level set my expectations because I know her pattern and it’s not worth getting upset about. I still put our get-togethers in my calendar, but I know they’re far from set in stone. And if she cancels, so what? No surprises as I was expecting it. Plus, with this updated approach, I enjoy our time together instead of getting mad thinking she doesn’t value my time and our relationship.
Letting expectations go is about choice. We choose to have expectations and we can choose to no longer have expectations. Sometimes that means downgrading what we expect from others. Sometimes it means distancing yourself from relationships that no longer serve you.
It’s not easy letting expectations go; often it’s very difficult! But it’s much easier than ruminating with resentment, anger, and disappointment over things you have little control of.
Final thoughts on freeing yourself from unhelpful expectations
Being disappointed by unmet expectations is incredibly common and I talk about this a lot with my clients. My goal is to help people recognize that they can impact the situation differently if they so choose and that’s a powerful message.
If you’re tired of being overlooked for opportunities at work or are overwhelmed by feelings of disappointment and are curious about why this is happening, don’t hesitate to reach out to me for a meet-and-greet discovery call.
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Hi, I’m Vicki Bradley, an executive coach in Toronto and the Founder and CEO of Women in Leadership Empowered.
I work with women pursuing success in executive leadership roles and the presidents and CEOs who understand that strong businesses are built with strong, diverse leadership.
WIL Empowered is a group coaching program where we focus on all four aspects of leadership development through coaching, networking, peer to peer mentoring and developing soft skills. Our mission is to help women develop the skills, motivation and accountability required to succeed in their business and personal lives.
Take our five-minute leadership quiz to discover where your leadership skills are now and where you’d like them to be this time next year.
To learn more about WIL Empowered, visit our website at WILempowered.com or reach out to Vicki@wilempowered.com for a discovery call.