I’ve coached so many women about recognizing their own needs and putting boundaries in place to honour them. My backstory includes that same journey. And if you know me, you’d know that I became the Queen of Boundaries many years ago. You want me to do something I don’t want to do? Good luck with that!
Except recently, my boundaries slipped big time and today I want to talk to you about what we can learn when our boundaries falter and how to bring them back to our day-to-day lives without stressing.
“It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.” -Mick Jagger
What are strong boundaries?
In her Forbes Council article, The Importance Of Setting Healthy Boundaries, Sahar Andrade, fellow executive leadership coach says, “Your boundaries are the rules for how others learn to behave around you, how you want to be treated, what you will accept and what you will not—they are based on your own needs and wants.”
I couldn’t agree more! Boundaries are personal and only you get to decide when and where to apply them. Boundaries are strong when we have a set of rules that we apply consistently across people, situations and even our family pets.
For example, if you’ll take a work call after hours Monday to Thursday, but not on Friday; that’s a strong boundary—unless you start taking non-emergency calls on Friday night. And if you let the family dog jump on the non-dog couch, even one time, you’ll quickly see how inconsistent boundaries lead to losing the battle immediately.
Why is it important to have strong boundaries at home, work, and in the community?
Without strong boundaries, many people lose themselves, both short and long term. A short-term lack of boundaries can lead to feelings of anger, guilt, shame, resentment, and disappointment. And worse than that, not applying our boundaries or applying them inconsistently over the long term can easily lead to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.
Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The Let Them Theory, says, “The hardest boundaries to set are the ones you need to set with yourself.”
This resonates for me and I know that when I’m great at keeping promises to myself, it’s very easy to keep the boundaries I have with other people. But that doesn’t always happen …
Story time: The trip to Tennessee that broke my boundaries
I’m part of the sandwich generation and am now entering the era where my mom—who lives in Tennessee—needs help.
In my article, Guilt-Free Self-Care for Professionals: The Leadership Edge No One Talks About, I talked about two trips to Tennessee to visit my mom and take care of a few things for her. In the first trip, I neglected some self-care activities and came back exhausted.
For the second trip, I brought the kids and got them involved with chores and spending quality time with their grandma. Plus, I went to the gym every other day, maintaining my exercise routine even while away. Leaving the house gave me the space to relax and I was better able to regulate my emotions.
I came back feeling great and really thought I had cracked the code for working, managing the kids, handling stuff for my mom and working on my PhD—practically stress-free!
Spoiler alert: I was wrong about that.
In my most recent month-long trip to Tennessee, things were great for the first two weeks. I did self-care activities and everything seemed fine.
But in the third week, everything changed. I didn’t go to the gym, because the contractors were coming during my gym time (why didn’t I tell them to arrive later?), I got cranky with my mom, I installed hardwood floors which was physically exhausting and then I had no energy left to deflect my mom asking me, “Why do you look so tired?”
Then I started beating myself up for not keeping my boundaries and self-care in place. I was reactive and overwhelmed and no longer effective at helping my mom—which was the whole goal of my trip!
And in that reactive state, it’s hard to remember that the only way to take care of anyone else is by putting our own oxygen mask on first.
When your boundaries slip: What you can do right now
If your boundaries are slipping or have fallen down entirely, it’s okay—you can put them back at your own pace.
Five ways to reclaim your energy and strengthen your boundaries:
- Forgive – Losing your boundaries is in the past; forgive yourself and move on. We can’t be 100% all the time and that’s okay.
- Prioritize – Pick one thing to do again consistently. Whether that’s turning off your screens at the same time every night or not letting other activities infringe on your daily focus session, just practice that one thing.
- Rest – Getting good sleep is probably the most effective thing we can do to support our physical and mental health. Work on getting seven to nine hours of sleep a night as consistently as possible.
- Move – Use part of your day to get moving in some meaningful way, whether that’s going for a walk, doing some stretches or taking a dance break.
- Engage – Remember those activities you love to do? Put one of them on your calendar every week as part of your self-care routine, then do it! Not only will you have fun, you’ll practice keeping your own boundaries.
Are you ready to restore your boundaries?
If your boundaries have slipped too far and/or for too long, it’s time to get back to your regular self. If you’re not sure where to get started, or you’d like to develop a boundary action plan through some targeted coaching sessions, don’t hesitate to reach out to me for a meet-and-greet discovery call.
Hi, I’m Vicki Bradley, an executive coach in Toronto and the Founder and CEO of Women in Leadership Empowered.
I work with women pursuing success in leadership roles and the presidents and CEOs who understand that strong businesses are built with strong, diverse leadership.
WIL Empowered is a group coaching program where we focus on all four aspects of leadership development through coaching, networking, peer-to-peer mentoring, and developing soft skills. Our mission is to help women develop the skills, motivation and accountability required to succeed in their business and personal lives.
Take our five-minute leadership quiz to discover where your leadership skills are now and where you’d like them to be this time next year.
To learn more about WIL Empowered, visit our website at WILempowered.com or reach out to Vicki@wilempowered.com for a discovery call.